It would have been easy to write about a surface Christian life. I thought that if I wrote about how good God was then that would be good enough right? Negative. Now I’m willing to be exposed in hopes of freeing others and even myself in the process.

I have been hiding behind a weakness about myself in my Christian walk. I’ve suppressed a false image of how I see myself long enough. It’s time that I finally see Rochelle through the eyes of God. I’ve been looking back at the sins that I committed, which brings with it a false personality. I believed in a lie that God was unable to change me, but now I see my wrong.

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth" (Romans 1:6)

To be totally honest, I have tried to write this article at least five times. It could be more, but at least five times for sure. I have the rough draft to prove it...me. I am the rough draft.

Something was missing in the first article. It didn’t even sound like me. It was coming out of my mind, and not my heart. The wording was good. I had the right Scriptures in place. But it was dry because of this false image. I finished the original article weeks ago, but deep down inside I knew that I had to give the real deal of who I was. Not just writing what I had learned, but writing about who I was becoming in Christ.

I’ll be honest with the reader and myself, I’m crying right now as I write this. It is painful to allow God to get deep down on the inside and destroy not what I had done but what I had become. Part of my Christian growth has been a struggle of knowing who I am in Christ. I realize that all of the hardships and heartaches can be used to bring others to Him, if it comes from who I am right now and not only what I desire to be.

Yes, I desire to be made whole but it’s a process; and I don’t want to pretend I am someone that I am not. I was distracted from God by my own free will but He has brought me back. He is showing me that salvation is a continual process.

I haven't led a surface life so how can I write about one? Do you know that a lot of people that I was with in the world are dead today? We went to the same nightclubs, smoked the same dope together, etc. So, why did God spare me? Because He is God! So I can’t hold back from sharing what He has done for me. I must tell it and without shame. I thought that if I just repented of doing drugs…having an abortion… fornicating...I would be made whole. But hat was just the beginning of God's healing process for me. He was looking to destroy the nature that caused me to fall away from Him in the first place.

Sometimes His way seems hard, but it is not. He is teaching me to desire His very best. After accepting Jesus Christ in my life, I was in and out of church because of a nature that I wasn’t willing to give up. I thought I could handle life without Christ. I would go to church whenever I was hurting, but now I truly desire to live for him. I really desire a new nature too, because the old nature had me bound.

The previous sins I mentioned were only branches on a tree; but I found out that the roots run deep. So what was the root? I think the main part was this: I never came to know my father.

A father brings security to a little girl’s heart. He teaches her that she is precious and special. I’ve had to learn what you just read, but it’s true. As a result of my father's absence, I would say things to hurt myself like, "I don’t care if I never see him. It doesn’t matter anyway." But I did care and it did matter. In fact, my whole life I was searching for this love & acceptance of a father but I did not know it until I came to know Christ.

I remember when I was sixteen and my first boyfriend told me how much he loved me. I’m sure you can remember too. I wanted to show him how much I loved him. I was a virgin and very naïve. He wasn’t.

Although we were the same age, he was experienced in a lot of things such as oral sex, cocaine, and the list goes on. I was intimidated because he knew the street life and I didn’t. I know that might sound crazy, but it’s true. He introduced me to things I said I would never do.

So in order to keep him, I felt I had to ‘keep up’ and go along with whatever he wanted me to do. This caused me more harm than you’ll ever know, and was only the beginning to the dead-end street I would face. But I was hooked. I thought i could handle whatever I was big enough to do...I thought. But I was so wrong.

I would make him swear that he would never hurt me, but he did. I am sure that you know the drill. I vowed never let anyone hurt me again, but the devil was out to see me destroyed. I wasn’t a victim by any means because I had a will. It is just that at that time, my will was given over to the devil and I didn’t even know it.

One thing leads to another with street life. You know what that lifestyle brings with it: death. My boyfriend was killed as a result of dealing drugs. I was on a path that was leading me to destruction. I was depressed all the time and wanted an end to life’s heartaches. Satan was attacking my mind with suicidal thoughts in my late teens. When I was twenty-one I tried to carry it out for real. The doctor’s wanted to admit me to a mental hospital because of this.

My life was a mess and out of sink with the Lord’s plan. But it often amazes me to see how it has turned out so far. This article may sound like some type of soap opera, but it is not. I have been delivered from the law of sin and death.

"God has delivered me from the power of darkness, and translated me into the kingdom of his dear Son, in whom I have redemption through His blood, even the forgiveness of sin” (Colossians 1:13)

As I mentioned earlier, God’s way seems hard but it is not. He’s teaching me to wait on Him and desire His very best; regardless as to what Satan wants me to believe.

I’ve suffered a lot of pitfalls and hardships as a result of sin but it’s wonderful to know that God had a brilliant plan. His plan was to send His only begotten son, Jesus Christ into the world to seek and save the lost. That is good news!

God has reconciled me back to Himself, in spite of myself. Now I know for sure the Lord has sustained my life for two reasons:

1. To testify about the difference Jesus Christ has made

2. To expose satanic darkness that seeks a home in someone else’s life.

"And you that were sometime alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet, now hath he reconciled"(Colossians 1:21)

I have been justified from sin though the blood of Jesus Christ. Salvation is a process of change that starts by, “confessing with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believing in your heart, God has raised him from the dead, you shall be saved” Romans10:9

I just didn’t know that Jesus Christ loved me enough to take my place for the sins that I committed. I didn’t know He was knocking either and seeking after someone like me. He’s knocking now, can you hear him? As He knocks, I pray you will let him in and find rest for your weary soul.

There is a chorus to a song that minsiters to me and is just awesome. I have posted it below and pray that the words will penetrate your heart forever just as it did mine. Maybe one day, I will have an opportunity to minister this song to you. The song is entitled Mercy Refused.

Mercy refused when love took my place
There on the cross where mercy met grace
Mercy refused to let me die
Jesus the lamb was crucified
Through rightfully death wanted me
But mercy refused.
©1997 David Baroni

In Christ Alone,
Rochell